Atonement

It almost seems invenitable. Everytime I begin to look at our marriage to see the flaws I am reminded that everything that I do is crucial. Christ calls me (as a woman, wife, and mother) to consistantly lay down my life, my goals, my dreams, and my joys for my family and ultimately for Him, despite the outcome. I must respect despite felling unloved. There should be no comprise to this, and it is ultimately my obeidance to Christ that will be judge. I cannot control the outcome but I can control my actions. I should not be looking to this world (including Big man) to fulfill, to encourage, to substain, or even to glorify anything in me. It is only Christ that can bring anything to me that will truly substain me.

I know, that I know, that I know this, yet I fail. Often. Very often. My atonement is to simply submit myself to Christ and in the end Big man. I must continue to give of myself to him. How little I have given of late. How much more pain have I caused by simply withholding me, and holding onto too much pain over simple things. I am only reaping the consquences of my own selfish actions, which seek only for me to be loved.

Atonement, to make amends, the redeeming of mankind through Jesus' death

Dear Big,
Will you give me the chance to make amends, to lay down my selfishness and to pick up my cross? Will you forgive me for my disrespect and fear? Even if you cannot I will continue to seek Christ and his desire for me to serve you. To serve you and lil, and those he places in my path. I will move away from this selfish loathing and into His light of grace. All I can ask for is your prayers to help me to live there. Thank you for not giving up on us and for continueing to provide for our family.

with my respect, your nighty-night mama

Fire-flys and sad goodbyes

Each day that passes brings with it a renewed sense of hope and a cold chill or reality. Big man and I are still at odds. For over a year now our relationship has continued to slide down hill. There have been some moments of grace in between, but mostly we are slightly worse than where we were a year ago. And I have gotten fatter.

Connection? I eat for emotional reasons, yet I don't eat any more calories than maybe 1800 a day. I really don't exercise and really should a girl have to keep gaining weight. I lost all of my baby weight quickly and had little tummy flab to lose then bam! I'm five pounds away from where I was when I was fully pregnant. I gain and we slide down hill. It's really awful.

Last night we watched "Bella" and it really was wonderful and heart-warming. After it was over Big asked me to go for a walk. I was surprised but said yes. It was a beautiful night. No wind, mild 74 degrees, and little lighten' bugs floating near the road. It was one of those nights you wish to remember forever,

until we began to talk.

It was silly really, We were talking about someone, how they had change and I made a comment that didn't follow his line of thinking. I wasn't pushing it, I just said it, and then Big said " Whatever" in the worst tone possible. He simply dismissed what I had to say, shattering me, as if what I do say means little to nothing to him. I asked him not is dismiss me, and he gets mad. I turn around and walk back to our house. Besides we left our son asleep inside and I didn't have the baby monitor. After awhile he jogged down the road after me and apologized. But I was still hurt. My wounds don't heal so fast. This all transpired after a day of him already treating me badly and putting me down. So we went to bed, clinging to opposite sides. Goodbye wonderful night full of promise and beauty. Hello cold morning of regret and pain.

My Happiness in a Can (or bottle as it were)

We all need a little happiness in a can sometimes. Well maybe it's just me, but today(and most days) I find myself scouring the whole house to find something, just something that will perk me up. Then at last I see it. It's not really in a can but a bottle, and it almost instantly puts an unusual spring in my step. It is Mr. Oxygen's OxyLift an "all natural daily Oxygen and Mineral Booster". Right now I have to say this is no joke, though it could seem as one, but I love this stuff. just a few drops every day in my water and Bam! I'm the happy go go go mama I need to be. And yes, I have thought of breathing more often(through the form of exercise) to try to correct my seemed oxygen deficiency. See I'm not much of a morning person nor do I excel in the fine art of small talk, so living in a place were business starts at 7am and always having a consistent source of strangers around, I simply must be oxygenated! there is no compromise here, and it's sad to say but the days i do not indulge in my little oxygen drops my dear Big man knows, and therefor avoids me like the plague. Though probably with just cause.
(RANT!)As for the exercise thing, I believe that the body must be moved, but not abused and through my daily routine I should be able to find enough ways to do so, so that I don't have to waste my time in a gym sweating away to reclaim that elusive figure that I might have had, but can no longer remember correctly.
So anyways there you have it my Happiness in a Can. Now if I could only find some sanity in a box, I'd really be making progress.

Our "green" adventure

It is very plain that the trend today is to "go green" and though our family is not into trends we find ourselves at last "going green". I must say our push behind changing our lives came from the desire to serve God and to properly take care of all He gives to us. It does seem that too many people begin to worship "mother earth" when proceeding into the whelm of "green". Over a year ago we started our journey into the land of organics, cloth diapers, fair-trade, energy saving, and most of all money saving ways, and at last I suspect we are not really much "greener" than when we started, but all we can do is try our best and forget the rest.

We started off switching to cloth diapers and I must admit, I love them. I really do. When I was pregnant with lil man I never thought I would be able to, ummm, wash poop as it were, and yet now I simply don't mind tossing those little bundles of joy into the washing machine to get their double washing (not sure if that really is that great for the environment but it sure does get them clean!). It really has saved us money even though I did splurge and brought some nice Fuzzi Bunz a few months ago. As for the idea that cloth diapered children potty train faster, well lets just say that I find it to be a bit of a myth.

Then we found ourselves a great little 1987 Ford Escort hatchback that got 35+ miles to the gallon. Needless to say we loved it and put a good deal of miles on to it. Then is happened. This materialist need for something "better". So now after having a couple of vehicles and giving the Ford to Big Man's brother, we now have a 2001 Nissan Frontier pickup which gets about 18 miles to the gallon (ouch!). So needless to say we are not in a good position here.

Then the land of organics began to open up to us, and let me tell you it can be VERY confusing! So let me save you the time and trouble. If you really want to eat and feel healthier look into The Weston A Price Foundation and specifically Sally Fallon and her cookbook Nourishing Traditions. It can be a bit overwhelming at first when switching from a conventional diet to a revised more organic diet, but we started with simple steps, and overtime have increased to do more and more. We still do not eat perfectly by any means, but we are much more aware or what goes into our bodies.

As for energy savers, Big man is a frantic. That is up until the point that he might have to spend some money to spend some energy. We rarely use our AC and line dry our clothes as much as we can. We have a wood stove to heat our shop and we usually turn down our heat when we leave. Otherwise we are probably much like the rest of the US. Unfortunately my worst habit is leaving on the TV even when we aren't in the room.

Cleaning products and toiletries have been very up and down for us, though I have finally found a combination of Method products that will actually clean up our rusty hard water without turning lil man into a walking rash. We also use products from Abaya Naturals, Burt's Bees, Arbonne, and Pure & Natural. Although most of our more natural counterparts have been a huge blessing, I still haven't found a deodorant that can tame my unmanageable underarms or Big mans.

So our adventure continues, and though I feel many follow this path in vain I know that
our adventure had ulitmately brought us closer in service to Christ. Please add a comment, and questions are always welcome!