Atonement

It almost seems invenitable. Everytime I begin to look at our marriage to see the flaws I am reminded that everything that I do is crucial. Christ calls me (as a woman, wife, and mother) to consistantly lay down my life, my goals, my dreams, and my joys for my family and ultimately for Him, despite the outcome. I must respect despite felling unloved. There should be no comprise to this, and it is ultimately my obeidance to Christ that will be judge. I cannot control the outcome but I can control my actions. I should not be looking to this world (including Big man) to fulfill, to encourage, to substain, or even to glorify anything in me. It is only Christ that can bring anything to me that will truly substain me.

I know, that I know, that I know this, yet I fail. Often. Very often. My atonement is to simply submit myself to Christ and in the end Big man. I must continue to give of myself to him. How little I have given of late. How much more pain have I caused by simply withholding me, and holding onto too much pain over simple things. I am only reaping the consquences of my own selfish actions, which seek only for me to be loved.

Atonement, to make amends, the redeeming of mankind through Jesus' death

Dear Big,
Will you give me the chance to make amends, to lay down my selfishness and to pick up my cross? Will you forgive me for my disrespect and fear? Even if you cannot I will continue to seek Christ and his desire for me to serve you. To serve you and lil, and those he places in my path. I will move away from this selfish loathing and into His light of grace. All I can ask for is your prayers to help me to live there. Thank you for not giving up on us and for continueing to provide for our family.

with my respect, your nighty-night mama