nighty-night mama

Atonement

2008-06-25T15:52:00.004-05:00

It almost seems invenitable. Everytime I begin to look at our marriage to see the flaws I am reminded that everything that I do is crucial. Christ calls me (as a woman, wife, and mother) to consistantly lay down my life, my goals, my dreams, and my joys for my family and ultimately for Him, despite the outcome. I must respect despite felling unloved. There should be no comprise to this, and it is ultimately my obeidance to Christ that will be judge. I cannot control the outcome but I can control my actions. I should not be looking to this world (including Big man) to fulfill, to encourage, to substain, or even to glorify anything in me. It is only Christ that can bring anything to me that will truly substain me.

I know, that I know, that I know this, yet I fail. Often. Very often. My atonement is to simply submit myself to Christ and in the end Big man. I must continue to give of myself to him. How little I have given of late. How much more pain have I caused by simply withholding me, and holding onto too much pain over simple things. I am only reaping the consquences of my own selfish actions, which seek only for me to be loved.

Atonement, to make amends, the redeeming of mankind through Jesus' death

Dear Big,
Will you give me the chance to make amends, to lay down my selfishness and to pick up my cross? Will you forgive me for my disrespect and fear? Even if you cannot I will continue to seek Christ and his desire for me to serve you. To serve you and lil, and those he places in my path. I will move away from this selfish loathing and into His light of grace. All I can ask for is your prayers to help me to live there. Thank you for not giving up on us and for continueing to provide for our family.

with my respect, your nighty-night mama

Fire-flys and sad goodbyes

2008-06-21T20:41:00.003-05:00

Each day that passes brings with it a renewed sense of hope and a cold chill or reality. Big man and I are still at odds. For over a year now our relationship has continued to slide down hill. There have been some moments of grace in between, but mostly we are slightly worse than where we were a year ago. And I have gotten fatter.

Connection? I eat for emotional reasons, yet I don't eat any more calories than maybe 1800 a day. I really don't exercise and really should a girl have to keep gaining weight. I lost all of my baby weight quickly and had little tummy flab to lose then bam! I'm five pounds away from where I was when I was fully pregnant. I gain and we slide down hill. It's really awful.

Last night we watched "Bella" and it really was wonderful and heart-warming. After it was over Big asked me to go for a walk. I was surprised but said yes. It was a beautiful night. No wind, mild 74 degrees, and little lighten' bugs floating near the road. It was one of those nights you wish to remember forever,

until we began to talk.

It was silly really, We were talking about someone, how they had change and I made a comment that didn't follow his line of thinking. I wasn't pushing it, I just said it, and then Big said " Whatever" in the worst tone possible. He simply dismissed what I had to say, shattering me, as if what I do say means little to nothing to him. I asked him not is dismiss me, and he gets mad. I turn around and walk back to our house. Besides we left our son asleep inside and I didn't have the baby monitor. After awhile he jogged down the road after me and apologized. But I was still hurt. My wounds don't heal so fast. This all transpired after a day of him already treating me badly and putting me down. So we went to bed, clinging to opposite sides. Goodbye wonderful night full of promise and beauty. Hello cold morning of regret and pain.

My Happiness in a Can (or bottle as it were)

2008-06-18T15:04:00.002-05:00

We all need a little happiness in a can sometimes. Well maybe it's just me, but today(and most days) I find myself scouring the whole house to find something, just something that will perk me up. Then at last I see it. It's not really in a can but a bottle, and it almost instantly puts an unusual spring in my step. It is Mr. Oxygen's OxyLift an "all natural daily Oxygen and Mineral Booster". Right now I have to say this is no joke, though it could seem as one, but I love this stuff. just a few drops every day in my water and Bam! I'm the happy go go go mama I need to be. And yes, I have thought of breathing more often(through the form of exercise) to try to correct my seemed oxygen deficiency. See I'm not much of a morning person nor do I excel in the fine art of small talk, so living in a place were business starts at 7am and always having a consistent source of strangers around, I simply must be oxygenated! there is no compromise here, and it's sad to say but the days i do not indulge in my little oxygen drops my dear Big man knows, and therefor avoids me like the plague. Though probably with just cause.
(RANT!)As for the exercise thing, I believe that the body must be moved, but not abused and through my daily routine I should be able to find enough ways to do so, so that I don't have to waste my time in a gym sweating away to reclaim that elusive figure that I might have had, but can no longer remember correctly.
So anyways there you have it my Happiness in a Can. Now if I could only find some sanity in a box, I'd really be making progress.

Our "green" adventure

2008-06-17T10:53:00.005-05:00

It is very plain that the trend today is to "go green" and though our family is not into trends we find ourselves at last "going green". I must say our push behind changing our lives came from the desire to serve God and to properly take care of all He gives to us. It does seem that too many people begin to worship "mother earth" when proceeding into the whelm of "green". Over a year ago we started our journey into the land of organics, cloth diapers, fair-trade, energy saving, and most of all money saving ways, and at last I suspect we are not really much "greener" than when we started, but all we can do is try our best and forget the rest.

We started off switching to cloth diapers and I must admit, I love them. I really do. When I was pregnant with lil man I never thought I would be able to, ummm, wash poop as it were, and yet now I simply don't mind tossing those little bundles of joy into the washing machine to get their double washing (not sure if that really is that great for the environment but it sure does get them clean!). It really has saved us money even though I did splurge and brought some nice Fuzzi Bunz a few months ago. As for the idea that cloth diapered children potty train faster, well lets just say that I find it to be a bit of a myth.

Then we found ourselves a great little 1987 Ford Escort hatchback that got 35+ miles to the gallon. Needless to say we loved it and put a good deal of miles on to it. Then is happened. This materialist need for something "better". So now after having a couple of vehicles and giving the Ford to Big Man's brother, we now have a 2001 Nissan Frontier pickup which gets about 18 miles to the gallon (ouch!). So needless to say we are not in a good position here.

Then the land of organics began to open up to us, and let me tell you it can be VERY confusing! So let me save you the time and trouble. If you really want to eat and feel healthier look into The Weston A Price Foundation and specifically Sally Fallon and her cookbook Nourishing Traditions. It can be a bit overwhelming at first when switching from a conventional diet to a revised more organic diet, but we started with simple steps, and overtime have increased to do more and more. We still do not eat perfectly by any means, but we are much more aware or what goes into our bodies.

As for energy savers, Big man is a frantic. That is up until the point that he might have to spend some money to spend some energy. We rarely use our AC and line dry our clothes as much as we can. We have a wood stove to heat our shop and we usually turn down our heat when we leave. Otherwise we are probably much like the rest of the US. Unfortunately my worst habit is leaving on the TV even when we aren't in the room.

Cleaning products and toiletries have been very up and down for us, though I have finally found a combination of Method products that will actually clean up our rusty hard water without turning lil man into a walking rash. We also use products from Abaya Naturals, Burt's Bees, Arbonne, and Pure & Natural. Although most of our more natural counterparts have been a huge blessing, I still haven't found a deodorant that can tame my unmanageable underarms or Big mans.

So our adventure continues, and though I feel many follow this path in vain I know that
our adventure had ulitmately brought us closer in service to Christ. Please add a comment, and questions are always welcome!

Single Motherhood

2008-06-09T13:31:00.003-05:00

I am married to a great man. Truly he is, but it's that time of year again, it's summer. And for many of us in the mid-west (especially farm wives) that means long long hours of work and no daddies to be found. It's time again for single motherhood. I have to admit I was pretty familiar with camping ministry before we were married and started our life working on camp. But I seemed to miss the part where you become a single mom over night. It's like whammo, you are now the sole parent in your home. Sure we still see Big, from a distance, but to actually have him around to help disciple (which is desperately needed in our home right now) Ha! You might as well wish for diamonds to rain from the sky. I know he needs to work that that God has called us to be here, in this place doing His work, but it's days like today that I morn this time of year, when all I can wish for is the calm of winter and to have Big home, at least for a few hours a day anyways. I simply cannot fathom how any single parent manages the storms that come along. Kudos to you! As for me, I think I will take a nap. After potty training, and tantrums, I'm ready for a break.

In the light of the moon

2008-06-08T20:54:00.002-05:00

There was once a time when I only saw his face by the light of the moon. After he hayed he'd come my way and we'd spend the eve laying, faces towards the stars. Dreams in tow and love growing. Side by side. Equal in joy, innocent to the strife we'd face. My heart aches for those times. Now we find we lie back to back, under the white ceiling. Cold hardness between us. Love lost, hope fading, challenges failed. Deep breath. It shouldn't have gotten to be like this, when two people love, but we seem to miss. Can those times be recovered? Can this love be saved? Maybe tonight, tonight when the moon fills the sky it will bring it's gentleness back to us and we can again lay in the light, loving, holding, breathing the peace of grace. And though all might not be restore, I have hope that a new beginning might be reached, and if nothing else a moment to savor though our darkest hours.

(I'm really not much of a poet and claim no real genius in this area, but I just needed to write the random hurt in my heart.)

Sorry to the grammer nerds of the world

2008-06-08T00:36:00.001-05:00

There is the one and only time I will say this, so pay attention and reread and fall back to this if necessary. I am sorry for all of the poor grammar, spelling, and misuse of punctuation that you will inevitably find and eventually drive you nuts. I love words, but am not blessed with the ability to spell (but with the ability to random replace words while typing and not know it) and am to lazy to apply myself to the grammar laws of English, so you poor person will have to forgive or simply go away, for I will not change my ways. So there. But I am sorry.

I've decided

2008-06-08T00:03:00.000-05:00

There has been a huge gap in time from my last post until now. I've been tossing this bloggin' thing around for awhile and I finally came to a point...... I NEED to rant to talk to verbalize what is not said in my everyday life. And so now I will become one of the many who simply can't keep it all in, who share beyond what is expected and give light to the dark of life. I am now a blogger. There it is. So now what. I blog; for you, for me, well mostly for me. Well here's to me start! Viva la mommy blogger!

Sorry for becoming a married mommy

2007-07-13T12:37:00.000-05:00

Dear beloved friend,
Let me start by saying how much I miss our talks and time together. I'm sorry I head down a road that you haven't traveled. I'm sorry for becoming a married mommy -who spends more time thinking about her child's body fluids then the war abroad, who forgot how to fix her hair and care about pedicures. I'm sorry the most for not knowing how to let you in on this new world that I've entered. Please forgive my selfishness, and help me to find my way back to our friendship. I need that now the most. I sorry for my phobia of the phone, for I simply can't seem to pick it up to just call and say hi. I'm sorry that i can't get past the small talk, because I'm scared of admitting I don't have this new adventure under control. I miss I could turn back the last two years and include you in my life, but I can't. So how do we move forward from here? Or was our friendship not meant to last though this test.

Light at the end of the tunnel

2007-07-07T21:47:00.000-05:00

I must say my big man has been surprising me lately. Yesterday morning I woke up in a very very bad mood, and Lil just wanted to hang on me so much, plus I was starting to get sick. So I called Big (one of the perks of living at the place you work) and asked if he could come down and take away Lil with him.... and he did! No complaining, nothing, he came and took him and was gone for 2 glorious hours and rest the relaxation! Oh how thank I was. Needless to say there hasn't been much pity for my sore, aching, sick body since, but there is hope!

Grunting together

2007-07-05T19:28:00.000-05:00

Currently my husband, Big Man, is giving a bath to the Lil man. But every few minutes Big has to take Lil out set him on the toilet and grunt together in the effort to teach Lil to poop in the toilet and not in the tub. Strange? Not in our home. See, Lil in 9 months old and for at least the last month he has decided that bath time mean poop time. I don't really know why, but it's quite humorous and strange. Needless to say Big thinks he will be able to have him potty trained in a few months. Time seems to have gone by so fast these last nine months but each day has seemed so long. It's hard to tell when, but I actually feel like mother now.

TOOOOOO Gross!

2007-07-03T14:19:00.001-05:00

So last night the big man and I were rearranging some furniture and cleaning around the house, when I look down to see lil man putting something into his mouth. After much avail I couldn't get whatever it was out, though I think it was a dead fly, and if that wasn't bad enough there was a mouse turd on the side of his face. I would like to think that my house cleaning wasn't so bad but it grossed me out so much that today I started to clean EVERYTHING!
Speaking of mice, in the last month we have caught 14! in snap traps around our house. EW EW EW! Living in the country has it's perks, but this is not one of them. Because we have our own trash pit here on the camp it seems we attract more then the usual number of mice, plus we live in a 50 year old building that was never meant to be lived in. It use to be part shop part candy store. Needless to say my massive amounts of cleaning, which gets done every other month on top of the regular cleaning things, will have no effect on the mouse population. Snap Snap..... ugh! another one?

Sucess!

2007-07-02T16:04:00.000-05:00

So After a morning with the very cranky lil man, I was blessed to have my husband( big man) take him for 2+ hours so that I could hand weed our 60ftx20ft garden! How fun! Did I mention that it's a a little over 90 degrees out today . Needless to say I sweated like a pig, but was able to almost complete the task. Big man also sent me some help. It feels so good to look over the garden and see my beatiful green plants and very little of the lush green weeds. My squah plants even have blossoms on them and the my strawberries are going into their second phase of berries, and producing lots of runners! When I returned I found a very very cranky lil man who despereatly needed a nap, which he is taking right now. It's the first time in a few days he went down without a fight. Oh sweet, sucess.

my life in a nut shell

2007-07-01T23:41:00.000-05:00

I love my son, but I find myself questioning why God gave him to us sooo very soon. Our marriage has been shaken to the core many times since his birth. He had colic way bad and cried so much, more than I could handle, it caused me to break down often and get upset at big man. I envied him a lot because he got to leave and go to work while I had to stay with wee-lil man. Lately lil seems to be reverting to crying a lot, tonight alone he's cried for over 2 hours because he didn't want to go to sleep. After lil turned 5 months old he became such a happy smiling little fella, and that when I finally got to really know him. I struggled a lot with depression and big man hasn't been able to understand. I felt like I was doing so goo, for almost a year I was able to be somewhat stable then after lil was about a month old, it came crashing down. It's hard to admit, it seems like after you baby is 8 weeks old everyone expects you to be super human and that just not the way it is. Big has 3 cousins that I get along with that all had babes around the same time as us, and every time I mentioned that I might be struggling they looked at me like I was crazy. Last fall we lost most of our year-round staff, leaving Big and our director trying to do everything. It didn't go so smooth, but on the outside everyone thought it was OK. I stepped in to help here and there, but for the most part I hang back and play with the flowers. I find some solice in gardening, and it's something that I can do that no one else wants too.For the most part things have evened out. Lil is almost 9 months old, my depression is starting to wane. Big and I are still dealing with the after math. It would be one thing if it was just ourselves and Lil we had to deal with, but add camp, then his parents and it's been sooo much. We are trying to work though it, but to everyone around us, Big is the perfect husband and dad and I'm the evil wife that bewitched him into marriage. I only know this because they say it and openly question him on it. It hurts a lot. I feel like I've given all I am to my men, and it breaks my heart to be thought of like this, especially from his family. BUT, this is the life God had given me and I will go on.

Why do fools fall in love?

2007-07-01T15:48:00.000-05:00

I never thought that I would be in this situation. I'm in love, so deeply that I sacrifice almost all of myself for them. Yes there is two of them. Two wonderful men in my life. I do everything for them cook, clean, wash, do everything I can to their benefit. And for so little in return. I never pictured myself going up to be in this position. I saw myself more being a nun or off in some remote jungle living with the native, wild and free. But now I'm in chains. They shouldn't feel like shackles but they are. It's my marriage that chains me, and my son that keeps me here. Don't get me wrong all hope isn't lost, but after almost 2 years of disappointment and hurt it's hard to remember why my husband and I started this journey together. I feel like I am treated no longer as his wife, treasured and adored, but more like his mother, useful but kept at a distance. Is this the natural course of marriage? I dearly hope not, but for now I must face the way it is, and pray for change.