Fire-flys and sad goodbyes

Each day that passes brings with it a renewed sense of hope and a cold chill or reality. Big man and I are still at odds. For over a year now our relationship has continued to slide down hill. There have been some moments of grace in between, but mostly we are slightly worse than where we were a year ago. And I have gotten fatter.

Connection? I eat for emotional reasons, yet I don't eat any more calories than maybe 1800 a day. I really don't exercise and really should a girl have to keep gaining weight. I lost all of my baby weight quickly and had little tummy flab to lose then bam! I'm five pounds away from where I was when I was fully pregnant. I gain and we slide down hill. It's really awful.

Last night we watched "Bella" and it really was wonderful and heart-warming. After it was over Big asked me to go for a walk. I was surprised but said yes. It was a beautiful night. No wind, mild 74 degrees, and little lighten' bugs floating near the road. It was one of those nights you wish to remember forever,

until we began to talk.

It was silly really, We were talking about someone, how they had change and I made a comment that didn't follow his line of thinking. I wasn't pushing it, I just said it, and then Big said " Whatever" in the worst tone possible. He simply dismissed what I had to say, shattering me, as if what I do say means little to nothing to him. I asked him not is dismiss me, and he gets mad. I turn around and walk back to our house. Besides we left our son asleep inside and I didn't have the baby monitor. After awhile he jogged down the road after me and apologized. But I was still hurt. My wounds don't heal so fast. This all transpired after a day of him already treating me badly and putting me down. So we went to bed, clinging to opposite sides. Goodbye wonderful night full of promise and beauty. Hello cold morning of regret and pain.